Memo From the Boss - Translation.

For those of you who don't know my boss, I have provided a translation of her memo. Hopefully this will shed some light for you.

Because I respect all of you, I have drafted this Memo to provide you with some information about changes and areas of accountability and integrity our leadership team has been working on. I would like to have a staff meeting at 11am on Tuesday and you will all have the opportunity to discuss any of these areas that are applicable to all. If it is personal please schedule a time to meet with me to discuss your concerns.

Because I don't respect any of you, but none of you are intelligent enough to realize this, I am writing this memo to let you all know what I and the supervisors have been concocting behind your backs. Tomorrow at 11am we will have a meeting in which you will all sit quietly whilst I and the supervisors will remind you what a bunch of failures you are and how much we do not value you as employees. I will also remind you that I am the micromanager from hell and I, as well as plenty of my spies, am watching you. If you have any issues with this, please see me behind closed doors where no one will be able to witness or overhear our conversation, and therefore I can pretend it never happened.

I am asking all of you to curtail your personal conversations, texting, personal phone calls and personal internet and web use. Neither Lynne or I want to be the "ethics police".

This rule does not apply to me, to L., to J., nor to C.. This rule also does not apply regarding e-mails of a religious or political nature that I find agreeable. It only applies to you. And while L. nor I desire to be the ethics police, we will continue to harass you about these things on a daily basis, regardless of whether or not you are doing any of them (please refer to the last paragraph: I am insulting your intelligence with this paragraph. But you my employees are too stupid to know that).

C. will be supervising the clinical services of Home Health and functioning more as a manager of that program with an emphasis on compliance, justification of medical necessity, quality of care and clinical delegation and resource manager.

This is not in any way an indication that C. will now be expected to actually do her job. Rather, I've just given her a bunch of fancy titles that will now allow for her to push back even harder when co-workers ask her to please perform her duties. Please, do not highlight anything that she might look at!!!

We will be changing payroll companies and one of the benefits will be they have a feature called Web clock. We will all be logging in our times "starting and ending" work. We also are implementing a time in and out of the building log at the front desk. So please remember to use it. All of us.

I am absolutely taking no chances with you lying crooks. In case there is an issue with the webclock, I have implemented the in and out of the building log. I realize some of you who pretend to be productive may find this redundant, but I don't care. If you are somehow able to hack into the webclock system (which I fully expect you to do, being as how you are all nothing but dirty thieves) in order to make changes to your time cards, you will still be unable to cheat me out of a single penny because of the timelog downstairs, and also because I have forced the receptionist to be my spy.

Holiday vacations have all been approved so if you have not been approved or put in for time off please plan to work your regular scheduled hours. People who worked excessive OT last holiday while surveyors were here have been given first priority for time with their families this year. We will be open the day after Thanksgiving and Christmas and closed on Thanksgiving and Christmas as well as Thursday New Years Day and open on Friday. Full time employees are paid for the holidays. Currently we have a freeze on all overtime. If you do not have any flex time please do not plan to take time off. You need to allow Lynne a week to approve requested time off so she can assure coverage of responsibilities and clear the requests with me and your direct supervisor. Do not book flights or make reservations without prior approval.

Holidays are times when people typically request alot of time off, under the guise of the desire to be with their families. Since I do not have a legitimate excuse this year to prevent you from taking any time off (I had the audits last year), I am going to simply say that for the holidays this year you will not be allowed any more time off, unless it has been approved prior, and only if you have flex time. There is no reason for this other than I cannot stand it when anyone is gone, whether or not this time was approved in advance or is simply a sick day. Whether it is for a death in the family or for the holidays (if you get time off approved because your 16 year old neice Kaziah dies in a car accident then you had better be sure you have it in writing because whether you have flex time or not I will write you up - behind your back of course - you will not be informed). Whether you work is completely finished before you leave and no one has to do anything for you while you are gone, I don't care. You taking time off is just another way of you crooks cheating me out of something that is rightfully mine (complete and utter control over every aspect of your lives), and I cannot allow that! Even though time off without flex time is allowed throughout the year and has never been a problem, this will not be allowed during the holidays nor for deaths in the family. All three of my children hate me, and so I hate anything that resembles family or family relationships. Plus, my life is so empty and meaningless that I need to make everyone else's lives that way as well. Holidays quite frankly piss me off, so I am determined to make everyone else miserable on these occasions (even more so at deaths in the family because I wish I was dead). L. needs a week to approve requests because she needs to run them by me (not your supervisors - they are just figureheads), and I need to decide in each individual case if time off should be allowed, based upon my mood at the time. None of these decisions will be based on logic. And do not bother trying to use the excuse of plane tickets and reservations. So you lose some money. Big deal. As long as it's not my money, I don't care.

I wanted to thank you all for what you do each and every day to help assure we function as a professional organization and welcome any other suggestions on quality improvement. I am very optimistic and encouraged by the direction we are taking and feel there is a greater sense of focus and commitment to quality than I have seen in a long time. I value each and every one of you and appreciate your loyalty and integrity.

Respectfully and with most sincere personal regards, Sandra

I am insulting your intelligence with this paragraph. But you my employees are too stupid to know that. As far as I am concerned, you are all my slaves. The only reason I pay you is because the government makes me. You should feel lucky I am not forcing you to preform sexual favors. Oh yeah, but if J.McKay tries to, I will do absolutely nothing about it (because he used to be my lover and he is L.'s personal friend).
In the most sincere way, suck my @ss, Sandra