Cagey Bitch

After my ranting post the day before yesterday, I've done some thinking. A lot of thinking, actually. This is not to indicate that I didn't think before I blogged. It's just that I've done further thinking on the subject since then.

What I wrote was harsh, and sounded actually pretty angry. It was also a post shaded with more than a little suspicion. While I admit that at the time I wrote it I was rather annoyed, I would like to clarify some things.

Firstly, I wasn't angry. I guess what I wrote was more about expressing outloud, and publicly, things that I didn't feel I could effectively express three years ago. There were so many rumors (lies) circling around about the situation then, and I was very hurt. I was hurt and humiliated, and I had alot of other priorities I was dealing with at that time (my house caught on fire and I lost my job).

With the exception of a few angry e-mails and a couple of late night drunken phone calls, I pretty much withdrew from the entire mess. I never really felt that I had any vindication or validation for any of what was done to me or any of the feelings I had regarding the situation. It seemed like I was looked at as the problem by those who only heard one (dishonest) side of the story. Most people didn't know about the deception that had been going on, or the way my thoughts and feelings were deliberately toyed with. I was the crazy one who just couldn't 'get over it'.

I am not filled with hate or anger regarding this person or that situation. My feelings toward all of it now are rather indifferent, aside perhaps from some slight annoyance at his apparent expectation that I not only forgive, but forget what he did. To me forgiveness is about letting go of hateful, angry feelings. I can say honestly that I have done that.

The situation still feels out of balance to me. It's because the one thing that is still festering in the back of my mind is that I have yet to see him display genuine remorse for what he did. It's like he's incapable of empathy. In fact, in his blogs, he makes fun of women he's dated and calls their intelligence into question because of the fact that they were willing to date him in the first place. As if they have some sort of magical ability to see inside his heart and know what he'll do before he does it. He deliberately toys with them, but it's somehow their fault. It's their own fault because they were dumb enough to go out with him, right?

I see no remorse. I suppose I never will.

The good thing is that I am older and wiser now. I learned from what happened. I learned at great emotional expense, but still, I learned. After a person is treated in such a disrespectful, cold, and down right mean way, (especially if it happens on more than one occasion) they tend to become...cagey. That's how I feel. I feel like I have to be a cagey bitch when it comes to this person. If he doesn't like it I guess he can blame himself, because it's his fault. It's because of the way he has treated me in the past.

Most women in my place would never have even spoken to him again. Perhaps the fact that I even talk to him makes me an utter fool. Perhaps it makes me as dumb as he says in his blogs. I'm not really sure. What I am sure of is that I am distrustful.

I am distrustful, and rightfully so.